How is it almost April already? I have no idea!

I had some realization early in the year that my procrastination around my PhD was more about the emotional labour than anything else. There is a small slice of doubt, of course! Will I have enough data? Will it be good enough? What happens if I analyse it and there is nothing NEW to say?

So is there a bit of insecurity or imposter syndrome inside me somewhere? Sure! But THAT, well that is not the big thing that has been blocking me. It is the fact that my participants are students – just as I was and in a way, still are – struggling with the many challenges of study, life, loss etc. I’m not terrible at self-refelction by any means but I also don’t want to have to think about the grief and loss and trauma that I have experieced on my journey. Not if I can get out of it!

The truth is, it’s not doubts about my ability to finish my PhD – it’s doubts about my ability to face the emotional work that needs to be done to survive my PhD. There is a certain level of healing and emotional crap that needs to be dealt with for me to finish my PhD and THAT is what I am unsure about.

So I talked it over with my supervisors. One gets it. One doesn’t. He was “just happy that you have finally had that moment when you doubt everything” Gee thanks. My understanding was that he thinks I am going through the same kind of doubts and fears that every PhD student goes through. Well on some level maybe I am – but again, it’s not fears about the project – it’s fears about the emotional labour OF the project.

We came to a way forward though. I am going to use the data from the 9 students that I have and move forward with that. IF I need to gather more data later – I still can. They are both confident I wont have to. We shall see!

So I’ve been working on the methodolgy chapter, writing about epistemology and ontology stuff. Totally confusing and complicated of course! If only the scientific community had agreed on standard terminology in 1801 then my life now would be so much easier! IYKTYK So you know, THESE struggles are the ones that every PhD student must go through. These are the struggles that I can embrace.

Anywayz…. that first goal for the year about finishing data collection – sort of doesn’t exist anymore because we are running with “what I have already is enough” The DEMTEL article was submitted and so was teh FedUni team one (and rejected – probably not going to be resubmitted) so I have done that goal. I’ve also got both book chapters done, got one back again and acted on the reviewers comments. That was what I’m calling “the trauma chapter” and the comments were very minor.

I am keeping up nicely with my teaching duties – although I haven’t yet sent my students am email this week – but I WILL do that tomorrow. Overall, yes I’m making progress on my goals for the year. Slowly, slowly it’s happening.

I ended up with 4 submissions to the Student Success conference. I’ll have at least that for NAEEA, one is already in and one is almost ready to go as well. I’m just waiting on permission to use my own car to travel to the conferences then I can book accommodation. *yey